Freedom of Forgiveness

In her book "On Life After Death," Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. describes how she feels every human is capable of being as evil as Hitler or as saintly as Mother Theresa. This belief shocked me in the beginning. But then I decided to focus on the word capable. This word implies free choice. As a human race we do have the capacity to perform unimaginable harm to each other. But on the flip side, all people have the ability to reach out to others and love them with their whole hearts.

When applying this passage to my life, I tend to reflect on forgiveness. You see, I am the type of person that holds grudges. I am not proud of it. But when someone hurts me to the core, it is extremely hard for me to let go of the pain and bitterness. Like the statement in the previous paragraph, I have the capacity to forgive, I just choose not to.

Asking for forgiveness and forgiving those who have harmed me is a step in the Celebrate Recovery program I attend at Church. I am struggling with the possibility of forgiving the man who has stripped me from so much in this life. I know that forgiveness will enable me to recover fully and move on with my life in a healthy manner. But my true feelings are a wish that he suffers one day, just as I have been. Then it hit me...wanting him to suffer, sounds much like I am heading down the scale towards Hitler. That is not where I want to be.

So how then do I forgive him and let go of the severe pain in my heart and soul? I believe it will only happen when I let God have the reigns of my life...FULLY. A difficult prayer for me is to utter the words, "not my will Lord, but yours be done." I believe my "need" to be in control makes it hard to accept the fact that I am not really in control at all. In reflecting on this aspect, I don't really want to be in control. For I have come to discover that when I do things my way, I tend to make a mess. How wonderful is the ability for us to allow God to take our mistakes...to take our pain...to take our lives and use them for his will. That is what I want for the rest of my life.

This divorce is not my will. I don't believe it is God's will either. But as my pastor told me several weeks ago, "God will enable something good to come from this situation." Alright Lord, not my will but your will be done. I will begin my journey on the path to forgiveness, hoping I may be able to help others along the way. I am sure there will be times I stumble, but I serve a mighty and compassionate God that will pick me up and carry me if necessary. I am so thankful for the capacity to choose a different path for my life that ends the desire to hold on to the bitterness and pain, but instead allows me to willfully experience the freedom of forgiveness.